smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
