after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Randomize
