just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
