census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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