I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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