Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
