Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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