Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
