What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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