I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
