I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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