look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
