My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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