I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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