my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
