forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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