cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
