saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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