so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
