I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
