He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
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