So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
