all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
