I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
