No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
