i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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