pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
