last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize