I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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