Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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