I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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