he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
