my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize