got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
