I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
