in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
