you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
