Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
