Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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