i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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