I skipped work to stalk him.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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