you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
