I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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