I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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