some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
