Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
