i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
