So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
