god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
