im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize