CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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