Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I want a musical about memes.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
