i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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