Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
