is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
