I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
