this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
