Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
